Sinking

i need to find some inner peace. quick.

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the 'atomic age' - as in being able to remake ourselves." - Gandhi

i feel like i'm being eaten alive - so much discontentment. anger. annoyance. i'm that rug on everyone's floor that they keep wiping their feet on and i'm tired of it. wayd is the only person (excluding parents of course) in my life right now who hasn't been either walking all over, abandoning me or simply putting everyone else first. i feel like i do my best to drop whatever i'm doing when others need help... why is it that no one ever wants to help me? what i hate worse though is when i'm made to feel like an unwanted obligation. i fight every single day to get out of bed. my body hurts so bad some mornings that it's a struggle to breathe, seriously even my TOES hurt on a daily basis, but i "grit my teeth" and deal with it. i feel like i always have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but yet, no matter what - if someone needs me i'm there with bells on.

i have no inner harmony. i feel like i just come last to most of the people i care about. i pick people to be my friends and it just seems like the people i always pick just seem to end up taking advantage of me. i'm not as bad about bending over backwards for everyone as i use to be, but i'm still doing it too much. apparently i've held it in for too long and now it's just exploding at random times.

wayd and i were suppose to go to the coast and just relax on the beach this weekend. we were on our way, already out of town and had to turn around due to something that started around some kitten "drama". sigh. don't ask. long story. i blew up about a text that just went ALL over me. i slept alot today and ate a pint of ben&jerry's americone dream. mmmmhhhm. tomorrow i'll be back to painting and rearranging at my "aunt" peggy's shop. over halfway done with the entire place.

i can take a greyhound to WI for 157 and some cents. i thought about buying a ticket, but how rude to just show up. it would be really nice tho it's just that i want to get away WITH wayd even more than i just want to get away! i want some hudband/wife time in with my relaxing.

& it's spring.

"I like to express certain things that happen in my life, the joy of spring,

the birds singing and young babies coming into the world." -Roy Haynes

it's finally really, really sinking in. it's taken almost two years and random fits of denial. i'm hollow. hollow where it counts to a woman that is. granted it's better than having all that was broken and the pain that that caused is no longer around, but i'm less a woman and i'm really feeling it. my hair being so short has a little to do with it, my thighs touching for the first time in my life obviously isn't helping. i envy all the baby bumps i see. i want to stress to woman how important and special carrying a child should be for them. don't cry and complain about your weight gain - be happy that you can GO through it! theshapeofamother.com is one of my most favorite websites ever. i pass it on to alot of women i know, but idk why i go there. i will never be able to say, "hey, my body is this was because i gave birth. i had a miracle." no, if i get fat it will just be that, fat.

if you're on my flist and have actually been reading this, this is my message to you. if you have children cherish ever single moment you have with them. every emotion they make you feel. if you get annoyed and need a break to calm down, think about those like me, out there, that would give anything to go through all that you are and will go through with your child/children. for those of you who have children, but can't have anymore - be satisfied that you have them! i would give my right arm for one and yet there are people that aren't happy with what they have. for those of you that are expecting - relish every change your body is going through. document it even. take pictures so you'll never forget the miracle that you are living. love those stretch marks, the weight gain because your baby is growing! there are women out there, like me, who would give their lives to be in your position.