Thursday, June 3, 2010

You've been fairly warned.

I should come with a warning. Manic depression bouts, mood swings and oh yeah – you know that hysterectomy I had - let’s add menopausal to that list. There are days that I feel like the entire world is against me and there are days when I feel like I’m the one against the whole world and yes, there is a difference. I have a very, very hard time seeing the gray areas in life. I’m loud and entirely too outspoken. Unfortunately I mostly speak without thought. I have so many flaws that I’ve lost count. I am very hard on myself and had high expectations that I can never seem to grasp. I’ll put those expectations on you as well, though not purposely or consciously. I am entirely too motherly. I’m passionate to the point of obsession. I take promises seriously, so please don’t make them. I’m tired of being let down. I will doubt you every step of the way while secretly putting all my trust in you.

I have a hard time coping with MYSELF at times, but if you can’t handle me at my worst then you just don’t deserve my best. Now if only I could believe that I have a “best” side - along with the sentence I just posted in its entirety. I am irrational and emotional, but if I give you my heart it’s yours until my last breath. If I love you, I LOVE you. If even the tiniest part of me has ever cared for you, I always will no matter how I try to fool the world of it.  I am probably the most stubborn person you will ever meet. I’m a daddy’s girl and I still want my mamma when I’m sick. At this point in my life I don’t know if I will ever believe or trust anyone ever again. I’m very prideful when it comes to everything BUT love.

This dear friend is my warning. If you are around me for any amount of time you will witness some or all these on random occasions. I have gotten much better over the years, and I know with more time I will improve even more. Seriously though, if you aren’t up for the ride please don’t sign up. I’ve had enough disappointment to last me several thousand lifetimes.


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