Friday, July 23, 2010

My climb.

7 months ago I posted this self made quote on my tumblr:

"sometimes that person we never thought we’d be is the one staring back at us in the mirror."

How was I to know just how true that would was? 7 months ago I was still married. It isn't that I'm dwelling on the past, it just still amazes me that our lives can change so much in a matter of seconds. It's almost as if my brain just can't grasp such a concept. I've made it to the acceptance stage,  I've actually been there for at least a month now, but that doesn't mean that it no longer hurts. The one person that I decided to put my entire trust in, the one person that I believed would never let me down - is the one person who let me down more than anyone ever has. It wasn't just the family that we had created between us that he took, he took everything I'd ever known. Family. Friends. My home. Everything. I was 17 when we got together, 19 when we were married. I made being a wife my job before I was even one.  Instead of entering into the real world when I left high school I entered into a relationship - only now am I really entering the "real" world and it's nothing like I thought it would be. 

There are times now, while I'm sitting alone and thinking that I stop and wonder why someone didn't point out how unhappy I was years ago. I look back and see so much now. Even old journal entries are laced with such depression and defeat. Not only did I look to his praise to find value in myself, but I let his words tear me down until I felt believed that I was completely worthless; totally useless. I was no longer a person that could stand on her own, no longer independent - everything that I was before him was lost before we were even married. Over the years I found myself turning into a very angry and unforgiving person. Everything I became was everything that I never thought I'd be. I grew up seeing the effects that a man like that (and worse) could have on a woman, I grew up saying that I would never be that weak. Well, dear world, love is blind and you should never say never. I became that weak woman who tagged along after her "hero" of a man. What started as love became an obsession to have love. What started out as me became the shadow behind a man.

"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy." -unknown

Time has passed. My wounds are still healing, but the process is going quicker than I imagined it would. I'm once again the person that I should be, the person that I was meant to be. I'm "finding" myself more and more every day, not the child that I once was, but this beautiful, independent and deserving woman that I am.

 I've already hit rock bottom - this is my climb to the top.


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