Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Time, as it passes.

I cannot believe that today is the last day of November. This year, although in ways has moved as quickly as previous years, hasn't always felt like it was moving along at all. It's definitely been a year filled with changes! I faced things that most people would rather go their entire lives not facing. I became a divorce statistic. I realized that I was "that woman", you know, the one that the husband realizes he no longer wants. I was blind sided in more ways than one. Sure, maybe, just maybe, there wasn't physical adultery committed, but we should all know that it doesn't have to be physical to be adultery. If it's there in your heart, you've already committed it whether you've done the deed or not. I was betrayed. I was abandoned. Left without a home, but thank God for my family. I was angry, part of me still is. I will never go back on my belief that if someone can give you up and/or "fall out of love" with you then the harsh reality of the truth is that there was never any love felt to begin with. They mistook what they were feeling for you as love regardless of if you actually loved them or not.

Moving on hasn't been the difficult part. Learning to live again turned out to be bittersweet, but simple. Falling in love again happened much sooner than I ever imagined. Perhaps because after years of being made to feel "crazy" and not feeling hardly any love in return - the love that still existed, the part of me that was still hanging on so tightly, died the last time I told him I loved him and again got nothing but a blank stare in response. This year has been one of the hardest I've had to face yet, but also one of the most rewarding. The light, the beacon I should say, at the end of my tunnel was the wonderful *eye-squenching* handsome smiling face of the other half of my soul. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for bringing him into my life. Chris waltzed in quietly, then while I was still unaware, he began picking up all shattered pieces of my heart.  As fast as our meeting, friendship and romance began, it truly felt like more than just the few short months that it was. I suppose since the majority of our interactions where online and on the telephone we were forced able to get to know one another a lot quicker.

Not only does he show and tell me everyday how much he loves me, but I can literally feel it when he walks into a room. He makes me feel so beautiful; so loved. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that we were made for one another. I could go on and on with this portion of my entry, but I'll end it with a great quotes:

"He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of,
his and mine are the same."- Emily Bront�ë, Wuthering Heights

Since my new life has begun, I'm normally so happy I could burst, but there's still a few issues I'm dealing with. The largest would be that I'm still learning how to let go. Don't get me wrong, it's not about letting go of a person, or even the people that were part of my family for so long, and it's not a matter of "what ifs" - it's more along the lines of the "use-to-be's". Ten years with someone is a long time, granted it isn't twenty or thirty, but to put it in perspective, I spent close to half of my life with him. It's the repetition, the being use to the way things were and the way they went, that trips me up at times. It's basically that I'm struggling to let go of the past, but still keep some of the good that came with it. Am I explaining any of this correctly? See, here's the thing, I know that I am better off without him, at this point I don't just realize that my relationship with him was what was bringing me down - I know it was. Without my ex in my life I'm a perfectly sane (for the most part lol), happy and non-jealous person. It was knowing feeling so unloved that was turning me into the person I hated to face in the mirror. With that being said, is it normal that I have to fight the urge to hate him everyday? Even though I'm thankful that I'm in a better place why do I feel that way?  How do I let that go? How do I forgive him; them? I know that in order to move on 100% I have to figure out how to just "let it go", but that's never been something that's easy for me to do no matter what the situation is. 

I know, I know, I can't let it go until I forgive. I have to keep praying because I just don't feel like I'm ready to forgive the feelings of betrayal that it caused. I'm so lucky that Chris not only fully understands what I'm going through, but he's been where I am. I know I've said it before and I know this won't be the last time - God sure does know what he's doing!


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