4AM

He had his wedding ring off yesterday. He said it wasn’t like that, that it fell off when he was in the shower and he just hadn’t put it back on. That speaks volumes to me. If it meant anything he would have put it back on, right?

I took my wedding ring off after I talked to him last night. What a simple sentence that is, but it’s one with so much behind it. He wants to get this over with as soon as he can. It seems that every time I talk to him his voice gets colder towards me.

The more time I have to think the more I realize things, little things, things that were always gnawing at my mind, but that I never could face. He hasn’t been in love with me for a long time. The more I notice when looking back the more I realize that. It’s really hitting me that this isn’t a nightmare – this is my reality. I want to stand in a shower for hours and scrub everywhere he’s touched me. I want to wash the memory of us away and watch it go down the drain. I know that must sound ridiculous even insane, but he told me that this is what he wanted merely days after the last time we “made love” - that just makes me feel entirely too dirty for my own taste. I love him, I always will. I feel like so much of me is dying right now, but in the same sense I’m beginning to DIE to LIVE. I’d felt a lack of love for some time now from him, but in the end I’ve always ignored it.

I’m very sad. I don’t even think the word sad has enough meaning at all to cover it. I feel betrayed. Lost. Unwanted. Almost used in a sense.  I know that he’s tried, he wouldn’t have stayed with me this long if he hadn’t. I don’t hate him at all and as much as I want to be angry with him… I can’t be. I love him and I want him to be HAPPY. Unfortunately for him to do that he can’t be with me. It isn’t that I don’t get that, I get it, I just don’t want to. Every mile farther away I get I long for him more, but at the same time with each little bit of distance I put between us I can slowly feel air seeping back into my lungs again. I’ve literally felt my heart ache in a way that it never has.

Do I regret anything? No, not at all and given the chance I’d do it all over again. I’ve loved this man for over half of my life and we have so many good memories together. Just because the last few years are starting to seem like a huge put on to me doesn’t change the fact that he was in love with me once. I don’t believe that to be a lie. I hope I never do begin to think that. He has been my best and closest friend for ten years. That’s not something I take lightly. He said he will always love me, which in my head means that he just isn’t in love with me, that I need someone that can love me as much as I love. That’s not something I’m looking for. I consider myself very lucky. Some people search their entire lives to find their great love, I had ten years solid with mine. That’s enough for me.

Don’t get me wrong on any account; I miss him more than I’ve ever missed anyone. I love him still. If he were to ask me to come back right now I know that I would do it in a heartbeat… but I also know that THAT itself is fading with each mile I put behind me. I’m scared. My future is a complete unknown. I’m also scared that one day I may look back and this won’t mean as much to me as it does now. I think I’ve been semi-hollow for such a long time now that the act of filling back up is frightening. I know that when he moves on with someone else it’s going to cut like a knife, but I hope that when he does, that, well, it’s someone I love or can love too. Someone that will allow us to still be friends (obviously not as close, but still there’s a lot of years there), I’m glad that we do still have that.  

I still at times feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. I don’t want to believe that THIS is happening to me. I want to disassociate myself with it. My world is full of darkness right now, but I can see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel - yet at this point, I know that if I allow myself to look back I’m closer to a brighter light. However I know that I cannot do that. I have to move forward. I will always feel that his family is mine as well and I know that one day someone else will take my place. That hurts a lot, there’s no way I can deny it. I also won’t deny that a part of me wants him to regret this someday, but I know that’s only because I’m hurting right now. I have always wanted nothing more than his happiness. I want him to find that. I want him to be happy and to have a family of his own.

I feel like I’m slowly beginning to find myself – the me that I lost in him so very, very long ago. Too bad it’s taken all of this to happen before the person he actually fell in love with began to resurface again. This is an ending and a beginning. It feels so much like dying, but this is my journey – my life now - time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I know I’m still going to go through so many ranges of emotions; this is still all so new to me, so those of you in my life please understand. At the moment I have to purge. I have to put my old life behind me and right now that also includes some people. Only for now though, only to give me enough time to HEAL. I need to heal more than anything. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want anything to do with the people that have been in my life for so many years, it just means that I need a little bit of breathing room.

Time to find a good job then an apartment and on the side I’m still going to try and build my photography business… only that will take quite some time. Right now I don’t feel like touching a camera. I don’t feel like doing too much of anything, but I know I have to push myself now more than ever. I was very lucky. I had an amazing husband who was always good to me. We had a faithful marriage and he ALWAYS supported me in everything. Plus, I was hopelessly in love with him! Not many people can say that. I know I will still cry and still hurt, but there are a few rays of hope peering through at me in all of this despair.

At this point in time I don’t plan on going back to my maiden name. Wayd and I aren’t on bad terms and this isn’t a part of my life I want to forget. Harris has been my last name for some time now and I feel that it’s a part of me and I’m proud of it. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I plan to face it continuing to be a Harris and I really hope and pray that he and his family are okay with that. I guess I’ll be a Ms. now?

It’s just me I’m living for now, so if the urge to move comes….who knows? God is placing peace in my heart within all of this turmoil. He’s giving me understanding and so much hope. I know that there is a reason that I am going through this, even if I can’t see it. My munchkins (Chihuahuas) are defiantly helping me – they’re making sure that I don’t completely forget how to smile.

I didn’t want this, but I’m learning to accept it.