Thanksgiving 2010

‘It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar,

and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. 

But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. 

There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, 

for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.’

This was not only my first Thanksgiving as a newly wed to my wonderful husband Chris, but also my first official holiday with his family. (( This was also my very first Thanksgiving away from the ex and his family, being with them had become a tradition over the past ten years. )) A first of many firsts over the next year. A year that I'm looking forward to and so happy to be experiencing! 

Surprises are just around the corner.

you can't always see the possibilities,

extraordinary as they are,

you can't always see an end to heartache -

it seems to stretch on, forever far,

then suddenly, as fast as it began,

there's a breaking in the clouds -

and you see the sun shinning in. 

copyright:diona renee

In may of this year i thought my life was over - little did i know, it was just beginning. I was scared, alone and felt unlovable. However, God brought the most amazing man into my life. His name is Chris and he and I got married last Thursday. My life has never been this good. Now if only I could find a job!!!

Life is what you make out of it.

♪ ♫ ♪ i didn't know that i would love you like i do i didn't think that i was ready to

but there's something about the way you take my hand, it's like i never touched a man

and it's a beautiful thing you make me shy and  you make me proud

it's a beautiful thing you make me laugh out loud and when you pull me to you I unravel

i didn't know that love would fill me up so good i tried before but then you know it never would

but there's something about the way you call my name, now I'll never feel the same   ♪ ♫ ♪

What choices do we have in relating to life? What are the three positions to relate to life? Imagine life like a fast flowing river, where you can see the white foam on top of the waves. In this fast flowing river, you have three choices.

The first alternative is trying to swim upstream in opposition to the flow of the river. The second alternative is trying to hold on to a static position in the river by grabbing on to a branch of a tree, which hangs down over the river. The third alternative is simply relaxing and allowing us to be carried by the flow of the river wherever it takes us.

The Fall.

♪ ♫ ♪  feels like reckless driving when we're talking
it's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking,
but no one's going to sympathize when we crash
they'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky

i'm sorry i can't help you, i cannot keep you safe
i'm sorry i can't help myself, so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling and falling is like this  ♪ ♫ ♪

sometimes lines get blurred; crossed.

what is it you do when you were already so close to falling.. 

there you were, teetering on the brink of the unknown..

then all of a sudden you close your eyes and take that leap.

i'm scared. i've opened myself up for more than i planned.

My climb.

7 months ago I posted this self made quote on my tumblr:

"sometimes that person we never thought we’d be is the one staring back at us in the mirror."

How was I to know just how true that would was? 7 months ago I was still married. It isn't that I'm dwelling on the past, it just still amazes me that our lives can change so much in a matter of seconds. It's almost as if my brain just can't grasp such a concept. I've made it to the acceptance stage,  I've actually been there for at least a month now, but that doesn't mean that it no longer hurts. The one person that I decided to put my entire trust in, the one person that I believed would never let me down - is the one person who let me down more than anyone ever has. It wasn't just the family that we had created between us that he took, he took everything I'd ever known. Family. Friends. My home. Everything. I was 17 when we got together, 19 when we were married. I made being a wife my job before I was even one.  Instead of entering into the real world when I left high school I entered into a relationship - only now am I really entering the "real" world and it's nothing like I thought it would be. 

This journey

This is the hardest journey I've ever been on. I was thrown - pushed - into it suddenly, without notice and it feels like I've been teetering on the edge of a cliff ever since. I'm still healing, still reeling, from my husband telling me that he's been miserable the entire time we've been together. There is still pain in my heart, no void any longer, but still very visible pain.

Knowing.Living.Learning.

You don't know someone until you've lived with then, but even then it's not a guarantee. Sometimes people bring out the worst in each other. Sometimes people lose who they are in another. You live, you learn.

Mind and Body

The body and mind are interconnected and emotions play a big part in determining one's health status. Stress and its negative effect on the immune system remains the major challenge to good health. The immune system with its holistic nature is significantly affected by its close associations with psychology, neurology, endocrinology, nutrition and the environment. Recent studies show 70-80% of all physician visits are stress related; 80% health problems are stress related; 100 million people "out" everyday due to stress; and 40% employee turnover due to stress. Chronic stress depletes the body's resources and ability to adapt. Over a long period coping functions are compromised and illness results.

A comprehensive approach to maintaining good health includes increasing self-responsibility for wellness, healthy lifestyle choices, health-promoting diet and a positive mental attitude. The concept of "Don't Worry. Be Happy," is not new. By the end of the 1970's several studies had shown that negative emotions suppress immune function. The 1979 book, Anatomy of An Illness, by Norman Cousins was a personal account of his experience using positive emotional states (humor and laughter) with guided imagery and meditative states to enhance immune system function in the face of serious, life-threatening disease.

You've been fairly warned.

I should come with a warning. Manic depression bouts, mood swings and oh yeah – you know that hysterectomy I had - let’s add menopausal to that list. There are days that I feel like the entire world is against me and there are days when I feel like I’m the one against the whole world and yes, there is a difference. I have a very, very hard time seeing the gray areas in life. I’m loud and entirely too outspoken. Unfortunately I mostly speak without thought. I have so many flaws that I’ve lost count. I am very hard on myself and had high expectations that I can never seem to grasp. I’ll put those expectations on you as well, though not purposely or consciously. I am entirely too motherly. I’m passionate to the point of obsession. I take promises seriously, so please don’t make them. I’m tired of being let down. I will doubt you every step of the way while secretly putting all my trust in you.

4AM

He had his wedding ring off yesterday. He said it wasn’t like that, that it fell off when he was in the shower and he just hadn’t put it back on. That speaks volumes to me. If it meant anything he would have put it back on, right?

She believes she's got it all

she swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to and she only sleeps when its raining
and she screams, and her voice is straining and she says baby it's 3am I must be lonely
when she says baby well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
she says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it
she believes that life is made up of all that you're used to
and the clock on the wall has been stuck at 3 for days, and days

the fact that it's past 3am got the song in my head. i really should be trying to get to sleep right about now, but i'll put it off.. until... until. sleep doesn't come easily to me, it never has, but lately that on top of my sinusitis is kicking my butt. luckily i was able to drop the temp. in the house this morning and actually get some sleep for about three hours. i despise having a stuffy nose. when i lay down it's all that i can think about. i start to focus on swallowing, or my lack of swallowing that is - it's impossible because i have no air flow in my nostrils, thus my mouth is my only form of breathing - once this begins i have the urge to swallow continuously and i end up gasping for air because low and behold when i'm swallowing i'm not breathing! it makes for a hellacious night. now mind you i do suffer from sleep apnea, but at least i'm not aware of that for the most part - it never wakes me up fully anymore.

our rooster... tangible? ohhh yes...
because sometimes i'd like to "touch" him
all right and ring his stinking neck, he's MEAN.